Trends. They come and go, some more fleeting than others, but are always popular for at least a little while. Most of the time it’s just easier to pretend I like things rather than fight them, but I’m tired of pretending. Some things that are “in” and I’m supposed to like but I just don’t:
WINE: It’s classy, it has antioxidants, it was Jesus’ drink of choice. What’s not to love about wine? Besides the funky, syrupy texture, the bitter aftertaste, and the hangover from hell, wine is AWESOME. As a classy lady I know I’m expected to drink wine, but I can’t fake it anymore. Just get me a Jack Daniels, neat please.
EDM: A lot of my friends like it and that’s just fine. You do you. But I would rather hear a cheese grater and a chalk board grinding on the dance floor to a bad Nickelback cover band than listen to EDM. In college I tried to enjoy it, I really did: I went to Electric Zoo, danced in the front row right in front of David Guetta, and bought the album of every headliner at the festival. I forced myself to listen to each of them and, once my ears could take no more torture, promptly trashed them. EDM is a pounding hangover headache mixed with a fork stuck in the garbage disposal.
EGG WHITES: Egg whites are to eggs what Nick Carter was to the Backstreet Boys:
bland, white, zero substance, and tried unsuccessfully to have a solo
career. That thrill you get when you poke a sunny-side up egg and you have to
race to mop up the runniness with your English muffin? Remember that?
You don’t get that with egg whites. Give me back my calories,
cholesterol, and dignity please, I like to live on the wild side.
ACTING LIKE SOME BOTTLED WATERS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS: They aren’t. They just aren’t. To anyone who says one brand tastes better than the others: you can kiss my ass as I’m wheeling a mega-pack of the cheap stuff out of Costo. We both paid $4: I paid for an 18-pack of life-sustaining tap water and you paid for pretention in a bottle. Only one bottle, I might add.
ZOMBIE MOVIES AND SHOWS: My dear friends Rob and Savannah are going to hate me if they ever read this but, alas, it needs to be said: zombie movies are not awesome. Or cool. They’re not even tolerable. On a scale of one to The Big Lebowski, zombie movies get a high zero. To give you a clue, Britney Spears’ “Crossroads” gets a one on that scale and the only movie to score lower than the zombie genre is Catwoman with Halle Barry. Zombies are disgusting and I don’t understand why anyone would want to watch them for the duration of a feature-length film: they’re constantly throwing up, they walk like they’ve got something stuck up their ass, and they’re always ripping people’s heads off for no reason. Seriously, just go backstage at a fashion show and you’ll get the same spectacle from the models. Bottom line: I would rather become a zombie than watch a zombie movie.
Phew. Glad I got that off my chest.